Since I’m starting lots of new things this time of year, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I want this new school year to look like. To put it another way (one that doesn’t sound so narcissistic), I’ve been thinking about how I want to react to life. 

As a human, I have free will. God gave that to me and every human being. For the most part, I have a great deal of freedom to go and do as I please. I get to make hundreds of decisions every day. Plus, I live in the bountiful country of America, the land of so much opportunity. 

So I have a free will, which I am thankful for, but the fly in the ointment for me is this: I don’t have control. Free will without control. Desires without the promise of fulfillment. Goals with no guarantees. For as much free will as I have, God is the one in control. And this is a very good thing…except that I don’t usually love this fact. If I had my way, I would have my cake (desires) and eat it, too (fulfillment of said desires).

Sometimes things go our way. Sometimes they don’t. Sometimes, later on down the road, God lets us in on his secret. He gives us a peek at his plan, and we understand in retrospect how he worked everything out, even when things were pretty touch-and-go for us. But we don’t always get that privilege. I think one of the most fun things about heaven is going to be seeing how the intricacies of my life and everyone else’s were woven together into God’s beautiful story. I’m really hoping that’s what Paul was talking about in 1 Corinthians when he wrote, “Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”

But for now, here on this earth, as a humble, regular-old human, I have to reconcile within myself this free will-no control thing. It scares me to death, really, how much I want and yet how much it is all out of my hands: my life, my husbands’s life, my children’s lives. I can’t make myself well or succeed or live or breathe, for that matter. I can’t do that for any of the people I love either. All of the big, important things in life are completely out of my control. 

But I can do the best with what I have. I can take care of myself and those I love. I can read God’s word and teach my children about Jesus. I can spread a little love. I can make healthy decisions. AND I can control one other thing: how I react to whatever God allows in my life. 

Choosing faith over fear, choosing contentment over greed, choosing prayer over complaining, choosing stillness over worry. This is the realm of my control, and even though it seems like a consolation prize, it is within this tiny realm that we display love, faithfulness, self-control, patience…all those good fruits. God has his hands in helping us along the way, of course, but when we work with what we’ve been given, it’s God-pleasing and good things tend to happen. It is here, in these sixty or seventy years worth of free will decisions, that we get to recognize God for who He is: the wonderful, loving, powerful, all-seeing One in control. When I take the leap and trust Him, stillness comes. 

And that, I realize, is exactly what I want my life to look like.